F is making me dinner.

S: Oh! That smells good!

F: I farted.

s: have you ever hit a baseball with a bat?

f: uh, yeah. i played softball in middle school. didn’t i tell you about this?

s: that’s not baseball, but okay. what’s the story?

f: well, i hit the ball and farted at the same time. i was like “oops” and everyone was yelling “run!”

f: i tried to buy some raid today, but urban market was out.

s: why do we need raid?

f: these flies!

s: they’ll go away soon enough.

f: not if they keep banging. … they make a different noise when they are having sex. … you can tell they are banging because it looks like two flies flying as one.

(he’s turning into karl pilkington)

F: This heirloom tomato looks weird.

S: In what way?

F: It’s like a butt.

I evaluate, and if it’s going to be wet I cancel it.

— F. on farts

Why would someone wanna hack off a dog’s testicles?

— F.

pure gold from my hilarious husband