F is making me dinner.
S: Oh! That smells good!
F: I farted.
s: have you ever hit a baseball with a bat?
f: uh, yeah. i played softball in middle school. didn’t i tell you about this?
s: that’s not baseball, but okay. what’s the story?
f: well, i hit the ball and farted at the same time. i was like “oops” and everyone was yelling “run!”
f: i tried to buy some raid today, but urban market was out.
s: why do we need raid?
f: these flies!
s: they’ll go away soon enough.
f: not if they keep banging. … they make a different noise when they are having sex. … you can tell they are banging because it looks like two flies flying as one.
(he’s turning into karl pilkington)
F: This heirloom tomato looks weird.
S: In what way?
F: It’s like a butt.
— F. on farts
pure gold from my hilarious husband